silence is golden... or is it?

Have you ever stopped to think about silence as a tool in your communication toolbox?

Silence allows the other person to speak. It gives the other person space to be heard. It gives you the space to think and it gives you the space to listen.

Just as nature abhors a vacuum, many people are uncomfortable with silence. Keep silent, and they will fill the silence as quickly as they can, allowing you to gather more information or gain more perspective or understanding.

Then there’s taking a few moments of silence out of your day – to reflect, to think, to rest, to relax, to collect your thoughts.

Silence has great power. It can truly be golden.

So, when isn’t it golden?

Have you ever been in a meeting where everyone is silent? Or perhaps you’ve had a conversation with someone and they’ve remained silent.

What is the MEANING of that silence?

When you keep silent, what do you actually mean? Do you mean that you agree? Or do you disagree? Are you happy? Or are you not?

And can you be sure that the person with whom you are communicating has taken your silence to be exactly what you mean?

Are you being heard the way you mean?

When others remain silent, what does that mean?

It could be that any one or a combination of the following.

• They are thinking
• They are in agreement
• They are NOT in agreement
• They agree but they have some unanswered questions
• They don’t know how to say what’s on their mind
• They feel that it’s easier to remain quiet and keep the status quo
• They don’t want to get into trouble
• They fear a confrontation
• They fear that their idea may be dismissed and they’ll look stupid
• They are afraid that they’ll be misunderstood
• They are just plain bored

There could well be other reasons.

When other people remain silent, do you know why that is?

Take Responsibilty

Take full responsibility for your communication.

A useful assumption to adopt is that you are 100% responsible for all your communication – whether you are the receiver or the giver.

Part of enabling effective communication within an organisation (or even in your personal life) is to create an environment where you and others feel free to communicate openly. This means that people feel that they are being properly heard and listened to, and that they feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings.

Rather than tell, ask questions. Ask clarifying questions, confirming questions and open questions. Then give them space. Keep silent and truly listen.

Include yourself too. When you need it, ask for it.

Make every silent moment a golden one.

Consider this Principle

We are responsible for our experience.

Action Points

1. Observe your own conversations. Give the other person enough silence for them to process and to speak.

2. Observe your own thoughts. Give yourself enough silence to listen to the other person, and to give yourself the space to think.

3. When you keep silent, what are you actually communicating?

4. When others are quiet, why are they keeping silent? Create an environment to enable everyone to be able to speak what is truly on their mind.

5. Give yourself the silence that you deserve by taking some quiet time each day.

Quote

"Silence is a text easy to misread." - A. Attanasio, 'The Eagle and the Sword'

"It is a great thing to know the season for speech and the season for silence." - Seneca

"The cruellest lies are often told in silence." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"You have not converted a man because you have silenced him." - John Lord Morley

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